I have no life: http://www.scriptfrenzy.org/eng/user/307227
Seriously. I've been up since 5:30 this morning. I've been working on my Screnzy since, minus a few hours to let my Mom and Dad on and the time I spent writing my poem for NaPo.

Yeah, so I'm tired. I'm going to go reward myself with Facebook/Myspace.

-me

If right now is any indication of how April will be, it won't be good. I've got Celtx open for character outlines, two MSN windows open, AOL...

I've been wondering if I can handle all of the stress. I think I can. I'm not as weak as I was before. I have more confidence. I have two character outlines done and a basic plot. I have writing buddies, MSN, Chat, my best friends, and therapy to keep me sane.

I can do this.

Because I'm stupid, I'm going to try both Screnzy and NaPo. My birthday's the day before they end and we get our mechanical babies for 4th period after spring break (which starts on April 10th), plus numerous tests and everything but at least the midterms are over. Wish me luck! :)

Nanny passed last night. We're leaving tomorrow morning and will be back Sunday or Mondayish. I probably won't be online.

I'm off to pack.

-me

Today wasn't as bad as yesterday. I haven't been eating or sleeping much and I'm shaking a lot. I carry three textbooks, two binders, two notebooks, and a workbook (plus my jacket and purse) on a regular bases because my locker's too far away from my classes and although I have the combination tto my friend's locker, which happens to be in the same hall as my fourth period, I can't get it open. I went through the halls today with a one-track mind, thinking "Just get to class. Don't fall down. Don't drop anything. Don't go running to the guidance conselor."

The fact is that I can control that stuff. At this point, though, I've become a master at avoiding things. It gives me something else to concentrate on; something that's not so difficult. I know that if I think about everything, I'll explode, so I'm avoiding thinking about them. Not telling my friends helps avoid it.

I'm one of those control freaks. Although my binders and room may be messy, I like schedules. I need some sort of order in my life. When everything's up in the air, I freak. The only good thing about school is that there's structure. I like bookwork--it doesn't involve getting in front of people or leaving my desk and the answers are in the book. At this point, I'm controling the only thing I can.

When people look at me at school, I wonder if they can see right through me. If they can, my friends probably would have said something to me. Or maybe not. None of my close friends are in my classes--I either see them in the morning or I see them at lunch.

I wonder what I'm going to tell the therapist tomorrow.

EDIT: YWS is back!!

...YWS is down. http://yws.nathancaldwell.com/viewtopic.php?p=182#182I have no life other than it. I just PMed Jabber about visiting last night. Meh, there's always MSN. I have Jabber's (who I know has Suz's) and June's too so no worries about that.

I don't want to go to school today. I think what's-his-name knows that something's going on. His brother pretended like he barely knew who I was when he passed out papers so maybe he didn't tell him I escaped to the conselor Monday morning but he probably did. I keep catching him looking at me--just barely a glance and no more than a second long--but he needs to stop. I can't even talk freely at lunch because his friends sit behind us and I refuse to leave my old table just because of them. He hasn't read my last message, which was sent on the third, and it's not like he's going to ask what's wrong. No, because that would mean he's human and actually cares for people other than himself. He'll wait to hear it from one of his friends, who will overhear me telling one of my friends at lunch. Or so he thinks. My friends all think the reason I'm like this is because of my SA; they suspect nothing. So why should I tell them? There's no point. My anxiety has turned into anger. Maybe he thinks it's my SA acting up too. I'm not stupid enough to trust him--it's people like him that make people like me cautious of every new person and every person they don't know.

I'm struggling but everything's going to be fine. I wish I could say that I wasn't but I can't. I'm just figuring out how to deal with everything the best I can.

Why is everything crashing down around me now?
My great grandmother is dying (as she has been for a few years now) and probably won't be around much longer now.
My teachers are giving me more homework than I know what to do with.
I'm struggling in every class except for Parenting and Child Development--I have a ninety-five. Even English. I can't believe I'm having trouble in English. I mean, that's suppossed to be my subject. Yet I got a thirty-five on the last homework because I'd been lazy and rushed to do it. I can do better--I know I can.
We're struggling with money right now. I know I shouldn't worry about it but Mom's barely using the car because she thinks it's going to break down. We'll get a new one soon because they've been saving up for it but we're cutting down on everything else.
People at my school are cruel. That's all I have to say about it.

I'm trying so hard to keep everything in--to act like nothing's wrong. Only my best friend knows there's anything wrong. I'm just sick of leaning on everyone.

Mom got angry a while ago and demanded my passwords again. I broke down. I couldn't stop crying for a few minutes. We're going to talk to the therapist about the whole privacy thing.

I may get to meet three YWS members! Two next month and one in spring or fall. It all depends on money and crap but we're already (hopefully) going down to the same area as Jabber and Suz and June will try to swing by here when she visits her other friends. *is excited*

Last night, I was wandering around YWS in one of the usergroups. I found a thread that lead me to the LJ that belongs to one of my close friends there. I read some of what she wrote and I was in awe. My thoughts after were that I could write like that, if I worked hard enough. I'm going to try.

I'm home sick right now. I didn't do Friday's homework anyway (for Science and English) and there's a presentation in my third period Digital Communications class that I didn't even do the work for so it's a good thing. I'll call Kristin, e-mail LeAnn, and talk to Gigi on YWS when school lets out. They aren't in any of my classes but our Science classes are basically the same with a different teacher.

-me

Thanks guitar_punk. :)

I'm scared right now. He read my message about his friends scaring me more than any of the other people. I shouldn't have said anything because I know they'll intentionally scare me tomorrow. Maybe not with words but with glares and stares like they normally do. Most of all, though, I'm scared he'll stop reading my messages. I'm scared he thinks I'm a freak because of my SA. I'm afraid that he wasn't kidding when he said he really didn't care and that he's laughing when I'm pouring out stories of times my anxiety has been at it's worst to him. We have nothing in common but I'm scared of letting go of him. Like with my anxiety, it's a scary feeling thinking of him not being there anymore. I've always counted on him to pull me up when all I feel like doing is hiding in a hole under the ground but time and time, he has proven that he's not going to do that. I don't know why I keep setting myself up to be hurt because every time, I just want to crawl into that hole.

Maybe it's just my SA talking because I'm always afraid I'm not good enough for people, him especially. When I'm around him or his friends, I can't do anything. My face turns red, my stutter becomes worse, I shake, my muscles tense up, and I have an urge to flee. Generally, I don't shake in other social sitchuations, and I can supress the urge to run.

Telling myself that he's a jack (insert word here) doesn't help. Gah.

*screams into a pillow and goes down to take care of her sudden headache*

This just occured me. I was playing the 360 on my Dad's account (he won't let me get my own) and one of his friends came on. My instant thought was "Please don't invite me to chat, thinking it's my Dad." He first sent me a message telling me to invite him to my game. The game was full so I couldn't but didn't respond back. He invited me to chat, still thinking I was my Dad. I didn't know what to do. Accepting the invite and telling him that it was his daughter would have been the smart thing or even sending him a message would have worked too but both of those freaked me out so I just ignored it. He kept inviting me to chat and I finally just went upstairs to ask my Dad what to do. He told me to send him a message so I did but my heart was racing. He wrote back saying "aahhh" and played a few games with me before he left and went to play with other people. My anxiety started talking then. "Did he hate playing with me?" "Am I really that bad of a player?" "Did Dad say I have trouble talking with people and that's why he responded with that?" "I did something wrong. Why would he leave if I hadn't?" Those thoughts are irrational, I know.

I got a message from one of my friends saying "hi missed you." yesterday. My brain instantly started to wonder why she'd miss me. To be honest, I can't tell you now either. She knows about my SA so maybe she thinks I'm lonely?

I got a message from one of my other friends saying "what tis up?!?!?" about an hour ago. She's freaking out about her Math final tomorrow and I told her that worrying doesn't help anything, even though I worry all of the time. I like this switch, though; it's normally her telling me everything's going to be okay.

Someone on the SA community on here said that maybe my friends think I want pitty. I don't. I feel bad because I freak out so much and I always cling to them when I have to go anywhere. I feel bad that I talk so much because I'm scared of silences. In a lot of ways, I wish I hadn't told anyone at school and just kept the anxiety in my head or when I was talking to the therapist. None of my friends understand the panicy-feeling or the feeling of being trapped and one of my older friends that I've known since third grade, told me to just "get over it". I can't relate to them with much and often wonder why they still talk to me.

I hate how crippling SA is. For as long as I can remember, the anxiety has been there. It's affected my social life (obviously) and my grades too. It's taken over so much of me that there's barely any left. If you asked me my hobbies, I'd tell you. But who I really am? I don't know. Some of the traits people label me as I don't have; it was just my anxiety was so bad that it prevented me from doing things (e.g. I'm lazy, which I can be a lot of times, but I'm not entirely) and sort of made me a rule-follower because I was so scared of getting in trouble with adults other than my parents due to the embarrassement (e.g. I'm uptight). I've grown more reculsive over the years because of it and although I can tell you what "normal" people talk about, none of it holds any intrest to me.

I used to be generally happy, helpful, nice, caring...in a lot of ways, with the exception of at home, the ideal daughter. I used to volunteer frequently and have awards to prove it. I did it because I was helping people and because I didn't have a life anyway but mainly because I loved helping people. I battled anxiety to the point where I was scared to go out to the porch or get the mail and often wanted to throw up at the thought of school. I got through it and, amazingly, didn't have a panic attack. I didn't want to bother other people with my problems, which I didn't know was really even a problem, just that it was me being shy, and was often told to "go be a kid".  I didn't have a single friend at that time. I wish I could go back to that time.

In seventh grade, everything went downhill. I had many signs of depression and worried my parents and teachers. Looking back, I think it was just my anxiety acting up really bad--worse than it was before.

Although I'm no longer afraid of going to the mailbox (for the most part) and I do talk a lot to the people I'm comfortable with, I can't go to the mall or movies--even the store--without having bad anxiety. The last time I went to the mall to get new shoes (in September or October, I think), I threw a "temper tantrum". I was so scared I was crying and there was no one in the store, minus the employees. I kept telling my Mom to hurry up and ticked her off. I probably annoyed the sales clerk but if I did, you couldn't tell. Yeah, the mall will be a goal I achieve at the tail-end of therapy.

When I talk about my SA, I don't want pity. I just want to rant. ^^

Meh, so I changed my mind. I can't leave YWS. It's too important to me and it's like home to me. Besides, I've meet some of the most awesome people there. All 7,000 plus members are awesome, even the ones I haven't met, minus those from TW that just come to make trouble. I may not get along with everyone there but really, who does? I've got responsibilites there and I don't want to leave them.

I don't get it; why am I always an emotional mess on holidays? First it was Thanksgiving, then Christmas Eve/ a little bit of Christmas, and now I've broken down into tears twice. Grr. ^^

-me

It was a simple excersise and I can't draw so I was happy with my rosebud bush with no rosebuds, bushes next to it, clouds in the sky, and kind of jagged roots.

I'm hiding in my hole right now. My hole is this house deep under the ground where as long as there aren't people around, no one can come in. It's quiet in there but it's mine and I love it. My parents wanted me to go to a hockey game tonight. It was last minute and my brain told me "No! Not safe!" I argued. I begged. I locked my door and put a chair under the handle. My mom got me to come out, all three of us yelled and argued, and Mom came in to talk to me, where I just broke down.
I explained how last week, I'd freaked out that I wasn't on the bottem level of the bleachers. There were three or four classes on there and I was so freaked out that I wanted to run to the conselor. There were books below me, though, and I couldn't bring myself to ask the girl (whose really nice) who they belonged to to move them for me. It was the simple fact that I felt trapped and the minute the bell rang, I nearly pushed the girl in front of me out of the way.
My Mom nodded; she's known the feeling plently of times. She and Dad think that it's just because of his friends but it's people in general; I literally won't get up in class in most of my classes because I feel like people are staring me down. Bleachers/bleachers full of people that I may know--bad idea. I congradulated my Mom on feeling well enough to go deal with all of those people and wished her good luck. I know I should have gone; I know the therapist would have wanted me to. My hole was just so much more inviting and so what if I want two weeks peace from people? I can tell you the answer to that; I'll just make myself more and more at home in this hole and never want to leave it. I've seen the effects anxiety has on people--how it can get so bad that you throw up by the mere thought of being surronded by people and there are days when you literally can't leave the house--thanks to a family member.
There's been days where I was sick to my stomach at the thought of going to school but those days were mainly in elementary school/middle school. I probably had worse anxiety issues back then but they thought it was just me being shy. Shyness, apparantly, turns into a fear of all new people and large crowds of people at a point if it gets bad enough.
Anxiety and depression are similar. They're in the same chapter in my health book at school and are related;I think people have both at the same time a lot of times. It would explain the headaches, if anything, and it makes sense.

I'm sorry all I can talk about are my problems right now; I'm typically more happy than this. My mental health is just crazy right now and I hate that there's not much I can do about it and that I can't control it.

I was tense in therapy today. I felt awkward, even sitting in this big comfy couch (after asking how her Christmas was, I got in the room and remarked "You have a couch!" because she was just moving into her office the first time I went there and only had a chair). Part of it had to do with the fact that this time I knew what to expect--excersises, talking about him/his friends, her writing things down in a notebook. I told her about the trust-thing and she asked me why I thought I was holding on so tightly to a guy that wasn't good for me. I told her I didn't know. I don't why I didn't tell her the truth but maybe it's because I think she'll tell me it's stupid or something. We talked a lot about his friends, which have a lot to do with my confidence level. I probably shouldn't have said that I consider one of them Satan. I think we're going to start with them and work our way to my issue with how he affects me and everything, which I know will take a lot longer than the eight free sessions they give you before you have to start paying for them. She showed me an anxiety chart, where I'm  showing five or six signs of it, and explained that we're on step two out of maybe ten steps, maybe a little less than that.
The first excersise we did was on a white-board. She drew a picture of a girl and asked me how I want to be. I hadn't done my homework from last week (Which was the question of who I want to be) so it was difficult. She put my answers on the right of the girl then she gave me the marker and asked to put who I thought I was on the left side. I just stood there and she told me to put a question mark.
We talked more and then I had to do a rosebud excersise. I was to draw a picture of a rosebud bush and add in details. Was I a small bush (did I feel small?)? A big one (did I feel important or something?)? A medium one (did I not know or was stuck in the middle?) Were there rosebuds on there? Were they big or small? Where was I? In a park? In someone's backyard? On the moon? Was I alone or was there other plants or animals? How's the weather? Rainy? Filled with sunsine? Cloudy? Did my bush have roots? Were they long and straight or curvey and jagged? The reason why for those were are simple but I don't have time to go through them. 
I told her about how I wasn't even excited for Christmas and my wierd up and down moods. I didn't mention that I've thought of cutting myself, just to see why people do it.
I'll probably be going to her for a while and me not admitting the truth to her will only have to make me go longer.

-Al

I've read all of those before--or most of them, that is. I love quotes. The funny part about them is that they controdict each other ( I would go into detail as to why but it's 11:30ish) but I love them anyway.

My favorite one has got to be "If you can't get someone out of your head, maybe they're suppossed to be there."

I have a few favorite ones that relate to writing

“Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be." -Mark Twain

That one's completly true. ^^

I'm going to bed. 'Night.

-Al

luvmeplzbaby wrote:

I'm sorta in the same situation, and I was just wondering... how or maybe I should say...what do you say to a person that you trust so much but you two don't have much in common? Like what is there to talk about?

I just tell him about random things. For a while, we were talking about libraries (like how he's never gone to our high school one) and another time we were talking about NaNoWriMo (like the fact that he thinks it's retarded). If he reads my message and doesn't respond, I think of something else to say and write about it. I asked him questions in the beginning, which may be a good idea for you, but I ran out of them a while ago. The trust was left over from two years ago. ^^

luvmeplzbaby wrote:
why do you have to let him go in the first place? Did he let you go?

The therapist thinks that part of the reason I'm not happy is because I'm surronded by bad people like him (my friends are good influences but his are everywhere and tend to affect my mood) and they bring me down.  Arrogant guys who aren't trustworthy don't sit well with her list (she wrote people's names down on a notebook) of people that're good for me.

I'm only 14 too so I don't mind the quotes. :)

getaroundthis wrote:
Hey(: I admire how you can write sooo much on your blog. When i post an entry, my mind goes blank. So yeah. Maybe just take it easy for a bit, things will get better and I think you know that. I can give you my e-mail if you want. But if you need anyone to talk to(besides yoru therapist), I'm here. (:

After NaNo (although I didn't finish it--I came in at 20,763), writing a lot is not hard for me. Try doing writing excersises to get your brain going and then try to write in your blog, if you want. :)Thanks for saying that. I appreciate it.

Thanks for commenting, guys! :)

-Al

I know it's Christmas but as usual, he's been on my mind. I've been pounding myself over the head for the stupid/selfish message I sent him since I sent it yesterday. He read the message today so I snuck on earlier (my Mom's letting me be on for a while tonight) and wrote him back, said I was sorry for being shelfish, and asked how his Christmas went. Hopefully I'll get a response by tomorrow morning but if not, oh well.

I told him all about my first therapy session. Well, all except for the parts where the therapist and I talked about him (and his friends) and how I think she probably means him when she said that we're going to start "weeding" people out of my life so that I'll hopefully be feeling better. He knows about the weeding out part, just not who she means. To be honest, the thought of weeding him out terrifies me. His opinion of everything has mattered, his presence has been in the back of my mind, this "Would he approve?", has been implemented into my mind for so long that it feels like it's suppossed to be there.

He's not a good guy--he's arrogant, inconsiderate, sometimes flat-out mean, and just an overall jerk. For some reason, though, I trust him and believe there's some sort of nice guy deep down inside him. I'm holding unto the memories that made me trust him in the first place--the ones where he reassured me that everything would be okay when I was having a bad day, when he asked "We are friends, right?", the times he made me laugh so hard my stomach started hurting. Everything was okay for the first few months we talked every day in eighth period. He made me feel like I was on top of the world, like I mattered, and people who ordinarily wouldn't have been nice to me were nice to me (or at least didn't bother me) because they were friends of his (his friends continued to be nice to me for about a year afterward).

Do you guys see why it's hard to let him go now?

He's not the reason I have to go see a therapist; I just felt the need to rant about him.

I have therapy tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it. I need to clear my head and talk about my wierd up and down emotions. I know that a lot of it is just because I'm a teen but I know a lot of it is that I get so tightly wound that I blow up and keep blowing up and blow up some more.

There's so much on my mind even without him.  I've been showing some signs of depression (which I recongized and told my school conselor, hence the reason for the therapist), although there's still a why attached to why it mosied on back to my brain. Concentrating in class is near impossible, especially when there's book work that requires me to look up answers or the teacher is talking, I've been crying for no reason and everywhere (including in school but I got to the conselor's office just in time for them to fall), there's been a few days where I haven't been hungry at all the entire day, my sleeping habits are wierd, and these sometimes big, sometimes small, headaches come out of nowhere when I rarely ever had them before. None of that is normal, minus the whole headache thing, and it scares me.

I can't say this week has been any better. I know I've been happier but I've been so busy trying to figure out my constant mood changes I haven't paid attention to the rest of it. This morning, I didn't even care that it was Christmas. I didn't care if I got any presents and the only reason I played my new game was because my parents wanted me to. I acted like I was excited because it was habbit, out of routine. I would've been content staring at the walls. Last night, I sat in the truck as we were looking at Christmas lights and cried for a reason I can't phantom.

I think I just scared/surprised my Grandad when I mentioned therapy. ^^

Yeah, so that's my sorry-for-myself rant today. I don't want you guys to be worried because you guys barely know me and I'm getting help. :)

Hope everyone had an awesome Christmas. :)

-Al

Merry Christmas, everyone! I hope everyone has a great Christmas and everything. :)

I'm grounded from the Internet til further notice so I apologize.

Talk to you guys when I get back and if I get back after New Years, Happy New Years!

I'm in yet another wierd mood. I've been in a lot of those lately and they're starting to get annoying. I've been in a good mood for the most part of today--that list of how to review took me two hours, a lot of brain power, and two and a half pages on Microsoft Word but I got it done. Of course, that's basically the only thing I've managed to get done today. :( I've been lazier than normal with everything, although this break is my only chance to get *really* caught up with everything.

I'm looking on his profile thing and I just hurt. Something's got to give, seriously. I'm so sick of hurting like this because of him; I'm so tired of caring.

I'm going to kill my favorite radio station. In eight minutes, it's going to play non-stop Christmas music for the next sixteen hours and yet a Christmas song just finished playing!

I felt awesome earlier on YWS; people were happy to see me in Chat, two people PMed me while it was open because I said I was in a wierd mood to make sure I was okay, I've gotten five guestbook messages on YWS, and I won the "pass the present" game we played in Chat, where I got two-hundred points, a guestbook message, and I get to choose Heather's signature til the end of her break. :)

I just feel lonely right now.

I've never been more relieved to say that I have a professional to talk to and that I'm actually looking forward to my appointment on Friday.

There's eight minutes til it's offically Christmas Eve so Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Ha, so I'm procrastinating again. What should I be doing?

-writing a detailed list of what to look for in a critique that I should have started on an hour ago
-welcoming new members
-checking the Lounge on YWS
-critiquing
-looking at YWS blogs
-letting the puppies in
-taking my allergy medicine because my allergies are acting up.

What I have done:

-let the puppies out
-put food in their dishes
-loaded/reloaded the dishwasher
-opened a private message I had when I woke up
-checked my YWS blog to see if I had any responses (I did, thanks to Nutty!)

Yay; I have a new guestbook message on there! *adds checking guestbook to list* My crazy friend is coming over later (no idea what time) so I seriously do have to get this stuff started.

-me